My Journey from Shame to Healing: Discovering God as Healer

Born in Texas, I packed up at age six, hopped on a 747, and set out for Kenya as part of a missionary family. I like to tell people that I've been a Christian since "nine months before I was born." I grew up in a religiously intense, ultra-conservative system passed down through generations of my family. In this environment, outward behavior and obedience to rules always took precedence over relationships. Discipline for even the smallest misstep was swift and severe, not always physical but often emotional or psychological. I remember, at seven, watching a hacksaw taken to my bike because I'd broken a pair of pliers.

Not every moment was traumatic or abusive. Growing up was a mix of adventure and fear. We explored beaches, snorkeled, hiked with wild monkeys, and raced around on dirt bikes and jet skis. But in the background lingered an undercurrent of control, hidden secrets, and contempt for anyone who didn’t live by our strict doctrines. People who smoked were labeled “the wicked,” and boys who masturbated wouldn’t be found in heaven. When I first encountered pornography just before my parents divorced, and later when I began chewing tobacco and drinking, guilt crushed me. I stayed in church, served in leadership, all while feeling like a fraud in constant need of punishment.

Then one day, a friend asked me some questions about God that I couldn’t answer. I wanted to help, so I started searching, reading, and watching videos. I stumbled upon a talk titled "The Investigative Judgment: The Healing Lens" by Tim Jennings, MD. I must have watched it three times in a row. By the end, something in me shifted. For the first time in my life I whispered the words, “God is a Healer.” Though I’d been in church my whole life, this moment at age 33 was my true conversion.

Realizing God as Healer reframed everything. For the first time, I could trust God—not as a condemning judge but as One who understood and wanted to restore me. Slowly, I felt empowered to make changes, and months later, I quit chewing tobacco and alcohol. But God wasn’t done. Next, it was time to address my addiction to pornography.

My second reframing moment came when I read Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time. I learned that my story wasn’t over and that different choices were possible. It’s often said that we are wounded in relationships and it’s through relationships that we are healed. Through Pure Desire Ministries, I found a community that helped me find healing and freedom from a 25-year addiction.

The third reframing moment came when I openly shared my struggles within that safe community and found they still accepted me. For years, I’d believed the lie that if people knew my shameful secrets, they would reject me. That fear kept me hiding, lying, and manipulating to avoid exposure. But healing, I learned, requires a commitment to the truth at all costs. Jesus’ words, “the truth will set you free,” finally began to resonate.

Through these experiences, I now know I’m not alone—and neither are you. We all need someone who will walk with us through the pain and help us reframe the lies we carry. Find that person, that safe space. It might just change your life as it did mine.